This weekend, I got an email from a future priest's wife who said she likes my blog (who knew?!), and it got me to thinking:
What do I wish I knew then that I know now after two years of diaconate and almost 10 years of sharing this life with my priest-husband? Some of this advice will work for any mom, some I failed at and learned my lesson, some I never really had a problem with, and some I still fail miserably at- here goes...
Make peace with 'octaves' - Christmas & Easter are his (and your) busiest times. Find a way to make it work. He might have to minister to the sick on your anniversary; be accepting and celebrate before the octave of the holiday is over.This might be the most important advice I can give. Mother's day won't be 'all yours'- you might be busy in the kitchen making a luncheon for the other women in the parish. But you can be smart about it. The parish men can plan something for the women for Mother's Day, and the women can reciprocate on Father's Day. There is no point to being gloomy and bitter because your husband has to minister to a believer on a day that is important to you. Just make a 'deal' that you two will celebrate before the octave is over. I also find chamomile tea on the balcony is a good way to unwind without being far away from the kids and spending money.
Find your niche - One of the hardest things about being a priest's wife is that you might be expected to fulfill duties that you have neither the time nor the talent for. Tread lightly, but do what you are good at. If you sing, sing. If you are an amazing cook, then cook. Maybe you can be the new party planner. If your believers are a bit 'prickly' at first because they are afraid they will lose their 'jobs,' then start slowly by working behind the scenes on the webpage and bulletins. Let's say that your parish is well-formed and all of the lay people are happy with how they contribute. You might get into a lot of trouble if you replace someone- so start something totally new. Maybe there hasn't been a Vacation Bible School in years and you could work on that- or maybe you speak the old world language and could teach a 'culture' class or perhaps you could organize a knitting/sewing ministry. The choices are endless, and the choice is yours. The only obligation you have is to participate in the Divine Liturgy like every lay person in the parish.
Help your husband - Is your husband a bit absent-minded (not mine)? Take his cellphone from him before the Divine Liturgy starts! It is always a good idea to have a box that gets filled with things to bring to church; it's impossible to remember everything when one is running around in the morning. Depending on timing, have a very simple breakfast waiting for him- some people do a very strict fast, but our Sunday Liturgy is finished at 1:00 in the afternoon at the earliest. I drive the way to Liturgy (it's a hour one way) so he can relax, read or take phone calls. It is up to you and your husband to balance out responsibilities as parents and spouses (yes, he can do the dishes)- but church days won't seem very balanced. He will be very busy fulfilling his duties as a deacon or priest, and you might feel 'alone,' but you aren't. Fulfill your specific duties as wife and mother, and you will feel accomplished. After a busy day, help your husband decompress. Sometimes we play a bit of soccer in the church parking lot with a small group of parishioners who stay after the meal and the clean-up and the after clean-up talking.
What do I wish I knew then that I know now after two years of diaconate and almost 10 years of sharing this life with my priest-husband? Some of this advice will work for any mom, some I failed at and learned my lesson, some I never really had a problem with, and some I still fail miserably at- here goes...
Make peace with 'octaves' - Christmas & Easter are his (and your) busiest times. Find a way to make it work. He might have to minister to the sick on your anniversary; be accepting and celebrate before the octave of the holiday is over.This might be the most important advice I can give. Mother's day won't be 'all yours'- you might be busy in the kitchen making a luncheon for the other women in the parish. But you can be smart about it. The parish men can plan something for the women for Mother's Day, and the women can reciprocate on Father's Day. There is no point to being gloomy and bitter because your husband has to minister to a believer on a day that is important to you. Just make a 'deal' that you two will celebrate before the octave is over. I also find chamomile tea on the balcony is a good way to unwind without being far away from the kids and spending money.
Find your niche - One of the hardest things about being a priest's wife is that you might be expected to fulfill duties that you have neither the time nor the talent for. Tread lightly, but do what you are good at. If you sing, sing. If you are an amazing cook, then cook. Maybe you can be the new party planner. If your believers are a bit 'prickly' at first because they are afraid they will lose their 'jobs,' then start slowly by working behind the scenes on the webpage and bulletins. Let's say that your parish is well-formed and all of the lay people are happy with how they contribute. You might get into a lot of trouble if you replace someone- so start something totally new. Maybe there hasn't been a Vacation Bible School in years and you could work on that- or maybe you speak the old world language and could teach a 'culture' class or perhaps you could organize a knitting/sewing ministry. The choices are endless, and the choice is yours. The only obligation you have is to participate in the Divine Liturgy like every lay person in the parish.
Help your husband - Is your husband a bit absent-minded (not mine)? Take his cellphone from him before the Divine Liturgy starts! It is always a good idea to have a box that gets filled with things to bring to church; it's impossible to remember everything when one is running around in the morning. Depending on timing, have a very simple breakfast waiting for him- some people do a very strict fast, but our Sunday Liturgy is finished at 1:00 in the afternoon at the earliest. I drive the way to Liturgy (it's a hour one way) so he can relax, read or take phone calls. It is up to you and your husband to balance out responsibilities as parents and spouses (yes, he can do the dishes)- but church days won't seem very balanced. He will be very busy fulfilling his duties as a deacon or priest, and you might feel 'alone,' but you aren't. Fulfill your specific duties as wife and mother, and you will feel accomplished. After a busy day, help your husband decompress. Sometimes we play a bit of soccer in the church parking lot with a small group of parishioners who stay after the meal and the clean-up and the after clean-up talking.
Pray with your husband - more prayer?! You might feel like you are always praying, but that is public prayer. It is a great idea to have a prayer life with your husband.
Pray with your family - Tomorrow I will write more about the mom-side of being the 'perfect' priest's wife, but one needs to be reminded to help children towards a good prayer life. Having the kids be in Mass with the family is not enough. It can lull one into a false sense of security.
Never discuss money, ever - A few years back, a parishioner heard me complaining about the price of gas (over $3! little did I know...) to another parishioner. The person who overheard assumed that I was complaining about the amount of the stipend that they gave my priest-husband. No, I was simply complaining about the price of gas. She never looked at me the same way since, and she talked badly to other churchgoers about me and my kids. I learned my lesson after that kerfuffle. I was always careful to never touch the money basket or to participate in stewardship council meetings. But now, I don't even comment on how much the chicken cost. It is what it is.
Use emergency hand signals - You have a kid with a blown-out diaper and you must leave the Liturgy. He is on the phone- is it important that you should tolerate this interruption or does he want your help in getting off the phone? He is talking to someone in the sacristy- does he need to go hear confession or is it just small talk? Semi-secret hand signals would be helpful in these situations so that you can do an immediate about-face if he is dealing with a confidential crisis.
Don't be your husband's secretary - Jen -a Lutheran pastor's wife- has a great post on this subject...maybe Jen can post a link in the comments! ;) But the important thing to remember is this- let's say someone comes up to you and says "tell Fr. my family will have a memorial service for John after Liturgy next week." Now, this is only 10 minutes long and they provide the bread and wine. It's not that big of a deal. But they should talk directly to their priest. There might be issues of scheduling, Liturgical propriety, confidentiality, but also- I might forget to relay the message! Maybe they told me to pass on the message as I was going to change that fore-mentioned blown-out diaper on the toddler with the four-year old whining at my feet. So- learn to say- "Please talk directly with Father"
Make an effort to be social with everyone - I wrote that Divine Liturgy ends at 1 PM or later on Sundays. My husband won't be eating anything until 2 because he is busy talking to every person in the coffee room. I can learn a lot from him. As an introvert, I might rather be busy in the kitchen or sit with a friend or two or be occupied with the children. I make an effort- which always ends up being pleasant- to greet everyone, starting with the older ladies.
Never gossip or be around gossipy discussions and quit it with the negative humor - this might go without saying, but run the other way if people start gossiping- maybe they will learn from you and change the subject.
Realize that you cannot please everyone all the time - sometimes you have to make like a Madagascar penguin and "smile and wave."
Pray with your family - Tomorrow I will write more about the mom-side of being the 'perfect' priest's wife, but one needs to be reminded to help children towards a good prayer life. Having the kids be in Mass with the family is not enough. It can lull one into a false sense of security.
Never discuss money, ever - A few years back, a parishioner heard me complaining about the price of gas (over $3! little did I know...) to another parishioner. The person who overheard assumed that I was complaining about the amount of the stipend that they gave my priest-husband. No, I was simply complaining about the price of gas. She never looked at me the same way since, and she talked badly to other churchgoers about me and my kids. I learned my lesson after that kerfuffle. I was always careful to never touch the money basket or to participate in stewardship council meetings. But now, I don't even comment on how much the chicken cost. It is what it is.
Use emergency hand signals - You have a kid with a blown-out diaper and you must leave the Liturgy. He is on the phone- is it important that you should tolerate this interruption or does he want your help in getting off the phone? He is talking to someone in the sacristy- does he need to go hear confession or is it just small talk? Semi-secret hand signals would be helpful in these situations so that you can do an immediate about-face if he is dealing with a confidential crisis.
Don't be your husband's secretary - Jen -a Lutheran pastor's wife- has a great post on this subject...maybe Jen can post a link in the comments! ;) But the important thing to remember is this- let's say someone comes up to you and says "tell Fr. my family will have a memorial service for John after Liturgy next week." Now, this is only 10 minutes long and they provide the bread and wine. It's not that big of a deal. But they should talk directly to their priest. There might be issues of scheduling, Liturgical propriety, confidentiality, but also- I might forget to relay the message! Maybe they told me to pass on the message as I was going to change that fore-mentioned blown-out diaper on the toddler with the four-year old whining at my feet. So- learn to say- "Please talk directly with Father"
Make an effort to be social with everyone - I wrote that Divine Liturgy ends at 1 PM or later on Sundays. My husband won't be eating anything until 2 because he is busy talking to every person in the coffee room. I can learn a lot from him. As an introvert, I might rather be busy in the kitchen or sit with a friend or two or be occupied with the children. I make an effort- which always ends up being pleasant- to greet everyone, starting with the older ladies.
Never gossip or be around gossipy discussions and quit it with the negative humor - this might go without saying, but run the other way if people start gossiping- maybe they will learn from you and change the subject.
Realize that you cannot please everyone all the time - sometimes you have to make like a Madagascar penguin and "smile and wave."
Thanks for the 'linky live'- maybe other wives can add some good ideas
ReplyDelete:)
Gladly!
ReplyDeleteOne, especially a priest, cannot eat before the Divine Liturgy!
ReplyDeleteIf I may make a small suggestion, it would be very helpful for the priest's wife to keep an eye out for visitors and newbies, since the priest and others will be busy performing liturgical duties. At the appropriate time, she could greet these guests, or alert others as to their presence. It is important for visitors to feel welcome. If potential converts get the impression that a parish is not friendly to outsiders, they may never come back to any Orthodox church.
ReplyDeleteKirk, with respect, the priest's wife is not necessarily the person or only person to do this. If she has small children, if she is in the choir, etc., she is no more able to perform a greeting ministry than other parishioners in those situations. A greeting ministry, if it is formal, can be done by those with the gift and opportunity. That might be some clergy wives, but not others.
ReplyDeleteabout eating something before Divine Liturgy- my husband has diabetes and the Divine Liturgy is not finished until 2 in the afternoon on Sundays. He would become very ill (perhaps need to be hospitalized) if he didn't eat something
ReplyDelete