The Onion Dome - "Ask Father Vasiliy"

From the always funny Onion Dome:

Once again we are fortunate to have Father Vasiliy Vasileivich, spokesman for the Church Abroad arm/bit/part/whatever of the Russian Orthodox Church Wherever It Wants to Be (ROCWIWTB) and parish priest of Sts. Boris and Gleb and Vladimir and Olga Russian Orthodox Church in Sydney, Australia, answer our readers’ many questions about orthodoxis and orthopraxis. Thank you, Father Vasiliy!

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Dear Father Vasiliy,

Now that Lent is over, we have a huge supply of lenten foods, such that we could never actually get through them all on the Wednesdays and Fridays between Pascha and the Apostles’ Fast. We’re afraid they’ll go bad. What should we do?

Signed, Leftovers in Lesotho

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Dear Lesotho,

This is problem faced by Orthodox in every Century (except VIII). What to do with leftover lenten foods after fast is over? St. Fretsalotades, although he is post-Vladimir Greek, is worth to consider. He also poses this question in famous (well, on tiny island in Greece is famous) book, Top Ten Things About Fasting to Agonize Over. Problem is being: nobody can read this book without breaking down near Chapter Five with adult-onset anxiety disorder. Thankfully, Father Vasiliy is not so foolish. Flipping through table of contents, Father saw lenten leftovers was in Chapter Seven, and started reading there. Reading in small bits, taking long breaks to listen to beautiful Orthodox music and son Bug’s rap CDs, Father was able to read through what St. Fretsalotades said about this fascinating subject, and is able to sum this up in eight simple words: EAT LENTEN LEFTOVERS ON NON-FASTING DAYS, YOU MORON!

St. Fretsalotades is also famous on tiny island for being rude. But point remains: is not sin to eat shrimp on Sunday.

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Dear Father Vasiliy,

I have always wanted to be a nun. But lately I have been enjoying being around boys, and talking with them, and dining with them, holding hands with them, and sometimes even kissing them. The problem is, eventually I realize that I’m not really happy doing these things, and can’t imagine being married to one of these bozos for the rest of my life. And yet that’s what everybody expects me to do. People scoff at me and deride my desire to become a nun. What should I do?

Signed, Conflicted in Connecticut

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Dear Connecticut,

Become nun.

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Dear Father Vasiliy,

My mother keeps trying to run my life. After I moved out, she insisted on selecting the curtains for my apartment, and arranging all the furniture in my living room. She calls me every day to let me know what I am doing wrong in my life, and what I should fix myself for dinner. She keeps scaring off my boyfriends because none of them can imagine having such a wretched mother-in-law. What should I do?

Signed, Fed Up in Fredricksburg

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Dear Fredricksburg,

Become nun.

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Dear Father Vasiliy,

Is becoming a nun really the answer to all of life’s questions?

Signed, Confused in Christchurch

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Dear Christchurch,

No of course this is not only answer. Is also becoming monk, depending on one’s gender.

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Dear Readers,

Father Vasiliy is angry that none of this month’s letters give him opportunity to use famous catchphrase. IS OUTRAGE!™

Signed, Father Vasiliy