Dr. Awesome speaks to Christmas carols

Dr. Awesome talks about the manliness of Christmas carols and the requirements for use of the term. Some commentary off-color.

Dr Awesome,

Christmas is almost here. I was going to ask you what the manliest Christmas carol is, but none of them seem very manly. So instead I'll leave the question open-ended. What is the best Christmas carol?

Will

Will,

Interesting question, and I'm really glad you framed it that way. I'm not sure a carol can be manly, since manly songs feature lines like "I've seen a million faces, and I've ROCKED them all!" and I'm not aware of any carols that are like that. But evalutating the best carol, that's another matter. Of course there will be some measure of subjective taste involved in this, since different people like different things. But I've thought about this, and I truly believe that many of the "carols" that people like are not real carols at all. So I'll tell you what...let me come up with some criteria for evaluating whether a song is an actual carol or not, and once we have the list written down, you can then make up your own mind what is the best. Deal? I know that many of you will not agree with my criteria or my list, but that is because you are wrong as well as stupid. Rudolph is flying in right now to beat you down with his hooves of fury.

But that's only for those of you who would dare disagree with me. For the rest of you, let's look at my carol criteria. For a song to be a Christmas carol, it requires one of two possible subjects. It has to be about the Baby Jesus and/or Santa, period. It doesn't have to be about both, but it has to have at least one of them in there. Bonus points if it works in both Santa AND Jesus. Many songs masquerade as carols, but they are just about snow or winter or frosted snowpersons or riding around with horses. They may be good songs, but they aren't Christmas carols.

I'd also like to say that simply mentioning Christmas somewhere doesn't necessarily qualify you. It might, but you still need Santa or Jesus to get you moved from "wintery song" to "Dr Awesome Approved Carol of Glory." This is not a hard and fast rule (you'll see some well-reasoned exceptions below), but it is a general guideline upon which Christmas stands or falls.

Now, on to my list. I jotted down every "carol" I could think of (wow, it's a lot), and I'm going to go through them alphabetically to let you know whether they are actual carols or whether they are just riding on the coat tails of the Baby Jesus/St. Nick Christmas Express.

• 12 Days of Christmas - mentions Christmas, but no Jesus or Santa. What the heck am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? Not a carol.
• A Holly Jolly Christmas - I like this song, but not a carol.
• All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth - Nope
• Angels We Have Heard on High - Finally, Baby Jesus. Bring it.
• Away in a Manger - My mom's favorite. It's in.
• Blue Christmas - No Jesus or Santa, but it's in because of Elvis. I'm even tempted to include "In The Ghetto" because that's such a great song too.
• Carol of the Bells - Purely instrumental, but I like it. It's in.
• Christmas Don't Be Late (The Chipmunks) - No Jesus or Santa, but Alvin is funny. Count it.
• Christmas in Hollis - I'm including this rap song as a carol because it celebrates diversity.
• Christmas Vacation Theme - Best Christmas movie ever, it's in.
• Deck the Halls - Christmas is not about donning gay apparel. People wear ugly sweaters at Christmas, not clothing inspired by the Village People. Maybe I'd count this song if we donned camo, but as it is, it's not a carol.
• Do You Hear What I Hear - Yes, I hear a Little Drummer annoying the crap out of the Virgin Mary. More on that later. Still, this one counts.
• Dogs Barking Jingle Bells - They are barking the tune to Jingle Bells, but the song is all about Jesus in Dog-speak. It's a carol, and probably the best one ever written.
• Feliz Navidad - Spanish gets you the benefit of the doubt. Count this one.
• Frosty the Snowman - No no no no no. Just being snowy counts for NOTHING.
• Go Tell It On The Mountain - Yes sir. While you're up there, tell everybody that Frosty is a sham.
• God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen - Yep.
• Grandma Got Runover by a Reindeer - Santa and vehicular manslaugther. Bring it.
• Hark the Herald Angels Sing - Baby Jesus, and some guy named Harold. Count it.
• Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - No Jesus or Santa, but this song is too pleasant not to count it. It stays.
• Here Comes Santa Claus - this one has both Santa AND Baby Jesus ("Let's give thanks to the Lord above 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight"), making it the most complete carol ever written (aside from Dogs Barking Jingle Bells, which supposedly also includes a verse about ninjas)
• Here We Come A-Wassaling - I have no idea what it means to "a-wassal." If some dude told me he was coming to my house "a-wassaling" I'd be waiting on him with a baseball bat. I'm not counting it.
• I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Mentions Santa, but Christmas is not about adultery. Not a carol.
• It Came Upon a Midnight Clear - Yep.
• It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas - No Jesus or Santa, snow on the ground does not equal Christmas. Go stand over there with Frosty on the wall of faux-carol shame.
• It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year - This is about winter, not Christmas.
• Jingle Bell Rock (see below)
• Jingle Bells - like it's rock-themed cousin, this is just about letting horses pull you around a park or something. Santa is ashamed of you. Baby Jesus spits on you.
• Joy to the World - Definitely in.
• Let It Snow - Definitely out.
• Little Drummer Boy - Alright, major bone to pick here. I've read the accounts of Jesus' birth numerous times, and guess what? THERE WERE NO DRUMMERS AT THE MANGER. Apparently within the past century or so, some bozo just came along and decided to write a song about a kid banging a drum while the Virgin Mary was giving birth. How did this junk get popular? This has no basis in historical reality. Had a drummer been there, Joseph would have beaten the crap out of him, like any responsible husband would. Tell me, you Dads out there, what if your wife was in labor and some kid shows up in the delivery room parum-pu-pum-pumming while your wife is pushing? You would feed him his drumsticks. This "carol" is the single worst song ever written.
• Mary Did You Know - Good modern carol.
• Mele Kalikimaka - Oh yes, even if I have no idea what they're saying.
• O Come O Come Emmanuel - Good carol.
• O Holy Night - In all seriousness, this is probably the best carol when performed by someone who can really sing. Nothing stirs the emotions like this one...truly an awesome display of the emotional power of music.
• Oh Come All Ye Faithful - Another Jesus-themed carol.
• Oh Little Town of Bethlehem - Yep.
• Rockin Around the Christmas Tree - Nope.
• Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - What is Christmas but a story of the redemption of man and reindeer? It's in.
• Santa Claus is Coming to Town - The title says it all. Yep.
• Silent Night - Another good one.
• Silver Bells - I like this song, I really do, but Jesus is nowhere to be found and Santa is only mentioned in passing.
• Sleigh Ride - This is another song I wish talked about Santa or Jesus, because I like it. But, the rules are the rules.
• The First Noel - Bring it baby.
• Up On The Housetop - Ho ho ho, who wouldn't count this one?
• We Wish You a Merry Christmas - Despite having Christmas in the title, this is more about figgy pudding than Santa or Jesus. Not a carol.
• What Child Is This - I love this carol, simply because it has "ass" in verse two. Mild swearing in church, and the pastor doesn't care? Awesome. Yes, I'm 12.
• White Christmas - A song that can be co-opted by the KKK does not belong in our Christmas carol library. It's out.
• Winter Wonderland - No Jesus, no Santa, no carol. Plus what's the deal with the conspiring as they dream by the fire? Christmas is not about conspiracy.

So Will, there you have it, a list of songs from which you can choose what you think the best is. Of course, if you think any carol besides Dogs Barking Jingle Bells is the best, then you are wrong and Santa will never visit you again, unless he is just showing Rudolph where your house is so he can drop a massive reindeer deuce down your chimney. Merry Christmas!

Dr. Awesome