Written by then Hieromonk Jonah (now Metropolitan) in 1999, this is an amusing and very on-point rendering of Convert Fever. Living where I do a lot of the parishioners I meet at Orthodox churches fit into some version of this effusive approach to Eastern practices. Torn Notebook writes on a similar topic as does This is Life (see #16).
The priest looked out of the altar, checking to see if the choir director was ready to begin the hours before the Divine Liturgy. Just as he was ready to say, "Blessed is our God," his newest convert, Bill, made a grand entrance into the church, having just gotten back from his latest pilgrimage to another monastery. Bill -- or Vasili, as he now insisted on being called -- had been a normal young evangelical convert, clean-cut, single, and working his first job out of college. Then he discovered Orthodoxy in a bookstore, and with great zeal embraced the Faith. He was chrismated after a usual six-month catechumenate, during which he read just about every book in print on the Orthodox Faith.
After a year or so, Bill had decided to go visit monasteries. This is where his change began. He became more pious and more serious about his faith, but also started to become, well, weird. Like this Sunday morning. Bill/Vasili was not content to come in like everyone else. Rather, prayer ropes flying from his wrists, he made grand bows at the entrance to the nave, and again, the entire congregation watching, with a flourish prostrated before virtually every icon in the church. It was such a display that no one listened to the hours.
Then, just before the time the Liturgy should have begun, Bill came up to the door of the altar and announced he must have confession, or he'd be in big trouble with the holy elders. Father, being patient with zealous youths, went to hear the confession.
"I am the worst of all sinners!" Bill began as usual. Then he read his list, only four pages this morning. "And I only could do two hundred prostrations, not my usual three hundred, and only read four akathists, so I am not fully prepared for communion," he said. "Besides, I just had to have a cup of coffee, but since everyone else does anyway, can I still go to communion?"
The priest had heard it all before. What does one say? "You did all those prayers, and still had to have a cup of coffee?"
"Well, the Elder said I had to do the prayers, but I couldn't stay awake to finish them all. So I had some coffee. But doesn't everyone in this jurisdiction even have breakfast before Liturgy? I heard that Bishop So-and-so even had coffee with those godless Catholics right before Liturgy. Besides, it was at three a.m. when I had the coffee, and it's almost ten now.
A little after, thought the priest. "Why didn't you start your rule a little earlier?"
"Well, the book I just read said it must only be done after midnight, as that is the time to battle demons. Besides, Madonna was on Saturday Night Live.' Uh. . . the video clips of hers really led me into a big temptation . . . so I did all those prostrations."
Father really did not know what to address first. "Father," Bill asked, "don't you think it's time to start being more traditional, to get rid of those paraffin candles and use real beeswax? It is more Orthodox. It really bothers me that the choir reads half the texts of the vigil, instead of singing them, like last night. And on the wrong calendar too. It took me three hours just to repeat the vigil on the right calendar! I'm afraid I am going to have to find another jurisdiction that is more Orthodox. Am I the only one in this parish who knows how to do things right? Besides, I have invited my Elder to meet you, and he'll set you straight on all this stuff. He told me we have to do everything correctly, like they do it, otherwise we'll all burn in hell."
Father was losing patience, looking at his watch, 10:20 and counting. "Okay, Vasili, look, there are a number of issues here, and we need to talk about them, but not while the whole church is waiting for you to finish. When did you go to confession last?"
"Yesterday, at the monastery. I think I have finally found a spiritual father worthy of my obedience."
"And who is he?"
"Fr. So-and-so, from the monastery in the mountains. He is coming to serve with you next Sunday."
"Bill. .
"Vasili."
"Okay, Vasili, then. That guy was defrocked years ago. I can't serve with him! Who gave you a blessing to go see him? Much less submit yourself to him? Much less invite him here?"
"Oh, so you too are continuing to persecute that righteous man! I know in my heart he is truly Orthodox! Besides he baptized me yesterday, making up for what you did not do by chrismating me. Actually," getting excited, "why am I here anyway? I should really go be with him as the true criterion of Orthodoxy. . . Not in this modernist, ecumenist jurisdiction. My spiritual father may have been defrocked, but he is obedient to God, not those godless bishops! I know it because I feel it in my heart. .
"So," said Father, rather irritated, "why do you want to go to communion here anyway?"
"What! You would deny me my right to go to communion!" he whined, as he stormed out...
After a year or so, Bill had decided to go visit monasteries. This is where his change began. He became more pious and more serious about his faith, but also started to become, well, weird. Like this Sunday morning. Bill/Vasili was not content to come in like everyone else. Rather, prayer ropes flying from his wrists, he made grand bows at the entrance to the nave, and again, the entire congregation watching, with a flourish prostrated before virtually every icon in the church. It was such a display that no one listened to the hours.
Then, just before the time the Liturgy should have begun, Bill came up to the door of the altar and announced he must have confession, or he'd be in big trouble with the holy elders. Father, being patient with zealous youths, went to hear the confession.
"I am the worst of all sinners!" Bill began as usual. Then he read his list, only four pages this morning. "And I only could do two hundred prostrations, not my usual three hundred, and only read four akathists, so I am not fully prepared for communion," he said. "Besides, I just had to have a cup of coffee, but since everyone else does anyway, can I still go to communion?"
The priest had heard it all before. What does one say? "You did all those prayers, and still had to have a cup of coffee?"
"Well, the Elder said I had to do the prayers, but I couldn't stay awake to finish them all. So I had some coffee. But doesn't everyone in this jurisdiction even have breakfast before Liturgy? I heard that Bishop So-and-so even had coffee with those godless Catholics right before Liturgy. Besides, it was at three a.m. when I had the coffee, and it's almost ten now.
A little after, thought the priest. "Why didn't you start your rule a little earlier?"
"Well, the book I just read said it must only be done after midnight, as that is the time to battle demons. Besides, Madonna was on Saturday Night Live.' Uh. . . the video clips of hers really led me into a big temptation . . . so I did all those prostrations."
Father really did not know what to address first. "Father," Bill asked, "don't you think it's time to start being more traditional, to get rid of those paraffin candles and use real beeswax? It is more Orthodox. It really bothers me that the choir reads half the texts of the vigil, instead of singing them, like last night. And on the wrong calendar too. It took me three hours just to repeat the vigil on the right calendar! I'm afraid I am going to have to find another jurisdiction that is more Orthodox. Am I the only one in this parish who knows how to do things right? Besides, I have invited my Elder to meet you, and he'll set you straight on all this stuff. He told me we have to do everything correctly, like they do it, otherwise we'll all burn in hell."
Father was losing patience, looking at his watch, 10:20 and counting. "Okay, Vasili, look, there are a number of issues here, and we need to talk about them, but not while the whole church is waiting for you to finish. When did you go to confession last?"
"Yesterday, at the monastery. I think I have finally found a spiritual father worthy of my obedience."
"And who is he?"
"Fr. So-and-so, from the monastery in the mountains. He is coming to serve with you next Sunday."
"Bill. .
"Vasili."
"Okay, Vasili, then. That guy was defrocked years ago. I can't serve with him! Who gave you a blessing to go see him? Much less submit yourself to him? Much less invite him here?"
"Oh, so you too are continuing to persecute that righteous man! I know in my heart he is truly Orthodox! Besides he baptized me yesterday, making up for what you did not do by chrismating me. Actually," getting excited, "why am I here anyway? I should really go be with him as the true criterion of Orthodoxy. . . Not in this modernist, ecumenist jurisdiction. My spiritual father may have been defrocked, but he is obedient to God, not those godless bishops! I know it because I feel it in my heart. .
"So," said Father, rather irritated, "why do you want to go to communion here anyway?"
"What! You would deny me my right to go to communion!" he whined, as he stormed out...
Complete article here.
Posts
I think the hardest thing is that I want to have the same mind of Orthodoxy that I had of my previous tradition. I want to saturate my brain in it because I have a responsibility to my wife and children. This desire for sufficiency is silly since I came to the Church recognizing my dependency on the Church. It would be nonsensical to expect the Church to enable me to be independent from it.
ReplyDeleteI'm also paranoid about offending anyone (though I'm quite sure there is as much vainglory here as there is concern for upsetting anyone).
My priest once introduced me as the guy who apologizes too much. I think this comes from being the guy in this story and at the same time being aware that I'm him (actually he's much better than me, I can't get through a single day of fasting!). It's like being in a slow motion train wreck, I can see it happening but I can't stop it. It's terrifying.
But that's where I belong I guess. You can't really skip steps (remember your post on steps of converts reaction to the Church? perhaps what I needed was a post on converts reaction to themselves.) *grin*
I think most Orthodox Christians and Eastern Catholics who read this will be familiar with "Vasili."
ReplyDeleteI also think the spiritual dangers Hiermonk Jonah illustrated are dangers for those of us who haven't visited monasteries. I know I tend to be critical.. sigh...
David: It is a complicated affair. I think that's why there are so many stories on conversion and the immediate aftermath online, in books, and magazines.
ReplyDeleteKaren: I wish there were a tried and true Vasili sanity-check (to borrow from the programming parlance) to help converts approach conversion with maturity and perspective. More often than not they are met with consternation, amusement, or hostility by fellow parishioners, friends, and family.
The worst part Father is that there is a real sense of having no choice.
ReplyDeleteYou're standing in line behind other people to venerate the festal icon; some cross once, some three times, some twice then once again after they venerate; some kiss the hand, others the bottom of the icon, one might even the face, one the frame; and all at once you realize that your priest never told you precisely, you seem to remember that you were supposed to touch the floor, but no one but the Deacon did that and he does everything in triplicate so that he stutters in normal conversation...
You realize in an instant that you have no idea what you are doing and had better figure it out and it would be nice to have a reason for choosing from the multiple choice test provided, and then you realize you don't want to offend (or to fall over if you go down to fast to touch the floor, but not take too long either to call attention to yourself).... ARGH!
Then you get to the icon and realize you don't even know what feast day it is and feel like a failure and you realize you've been standing there for about 10 seconds longer than you should and folks are behind you waiting...
I have great sympathy for the over-zealousness "list of rules I need to do to be who I'm trying to be."
I won't even talk about being asked to sing in the choir regularly and then finding in the middle of Divine Liturgy one morning that you've been singing off key since the start of the service. Half of you is sad for distracting people while they pray and the other half is embarrassed. Then you realize you are embarrassed because you are prideful and then you realize that while you've been repenting you didn't actually say the prayer of confession and start to question whether you should partake, because you certainly don't want it to your condemnation, but it's not like you can stop and ask the Priest in the middle of the procession. ARGH!
Then you remember you were told the local Greek parish doens't even require regular confession and you remember what a struggle it is for you and wonder why they don't have to and you worry for them and think Orthodox unity in America would fix that too and then your mind is on the last podcast interview of Met Philip. After all it's not like the Greeks are Uniates... then you remember that stupid comment you put on that nice priest's blog...
OK, I'm going to bed now. Exhausted by logismoi.