Forming your mind to children in church

Fr. James has finished up a multi-part post on the difficulties facing a family that attends liturgy when one of the children has autism. Below is a selection from his last post. It addresses the broadened topic of how to form one's mind to all children in the liturgy.

1. Cultivate a spirit of empathy and understanding. When you hear a child that is making a lot of noise, particularly if the child has autism or another disability, don't allow yourself to think things like "Why won't that kid shut up?" or "Why won't that mother take her kid to the cry room? Don't they know that the rest of us are trying to worship?" Every parent who has a noisy child in a Divine Liturgy is trying to walk a fine and difficult line between being sensitive to the other parishioners' desire to not hear noisy kids and trying to keep the child in the service so that he/she can benefit (and so that the parent can as well--I can tell you from experience that it's no fun to come to the Liturgy and then have to leave early and miss a big chunk of it).

To be sure, there will always be parents who seem insensitive to the needs of others and who really do wait too long to remove a noisy child from the service. This stems from the variety of parenting styles that are out there. Some parents keep their children on a "tight leash" (even literally sometimes, as one mother in our parish does!), while others give their children a little more freedom. And yes, children who are screaming or crying uncontrollably probably should be removed for a brief while, until they can be consoled and brought back. But keep in mind that in the Orthodox Church, persons of all ages are equal members of the community. All people are precious in God's sight, whether they are able to keep quiet or not. Keep in mind that every time someone suggested to Jesus that children should be silenced or kept away from him, they received a rebuke. (See, for example, Matthew 19:13-15 and 21:15-17).

Remember that the Divine Liturgy is about the people of God praising, worshiping, and praying to God. It's not about each of us as individuals having our personal needs (such as the need to have a calm, quiet church) met.

Also, for many children with disabilities, the cry room may not be an option. In Courtney's case, she is simply too big to go to the cry room. At 5' 2" and 115, it's just not safe to have her in the same small room with 1 and 2-year olds toddling around, particularly when she is angry or upset. So in Courtney's case, it's either in the sanctuary or completely out of the building. Jennifer has spent the better part of many a Liturgy sitting in the parish hall--or in the car if Courtney is really struggling.

2. Be proactive in helping. Go beyond just not getting mad at the child and the parent when the child acts out--offer to help. And don't just say, "If you ever need any help, let me know." Often, the parent will be too ashamed or embarrassed to ask for your help when the time comes. Or, you may be sitting all the way across the sanctuary, and the parent doesn't want to cause a scene.

Instead, go to the parent and offer concrete, specific, help. And be insistent. Don't take no for an answer. Say something like "Today, if Johnny starts acting up, I would like to take him out for a while, so that you can have a break." This would be particularly helpful around communion time. If communion has begun and the child acts up, you could take the child out long enough for his/her mother to commune, and then she could come relieve you so that you can commune. And most importantly, sit close to the family so that you won't have to create a disturbance when you go to help.

A really proactive parish could even create an informal committee of sorts--call it the "child help committee" or something similar. If four people would be willing to help (and they need to be steady attenders and physically strong enough to firmly but gently guide the child out of the sanctuary), then each Sunday, one of the four could be "on duty," poised and ready for action. That way no one would have to miss a great deal of Liturgy -- especially not the mother.

Whether or not you offer to personally assist with the child, be warm and friendly to the child. Greet the child warmly and speak to him or her as you would to any other person. Do this even if the child cannot speak or if he/she doesn't seem to even acknowledge your presence. They know you're there, and they appreciate the kindness. They appreciate being treated like a human being and not like some sort of freak--even if they can't tell you so...

Complete article here.