An interview with "Heaven Help the Single Christian" author

Thomas Ruthford has written a book called Heaven Help the Single Christian (earlier posted about here) about, as the cover says, "Your (Practical) Guide to Navigating Church as You Search for a Godly Mate." Below is an interview with Mr. Ruthford about his book, the journey he took in writing it, and the family and friends that helped him along the way. Enjoy!

"O Lord, our God, crown them in glory and in honor!" - Paul & Michaele Barrera at St. Spyridon Cathedral in Seattle, WA

You've written a book entitled "Heaven Help the Single Christian." Can you speak a bit about what prompted you to write this book? Is there something about living in America that makes the experience of being single and Orthodox a difficult proposition?

I wrote the kind of book I would have liked to read back when I was single, wondering, wandering and waiting. It's frustrating being young and alone and full of Christian beliefs about marriage that can't be used. The idea of this book is that it can cheer you up and give you something to laugh about in the context of your Christian beliefs.

Being a single Christian in a culture that mostly dates is something of a mismatch -- the Bible doesn't have much dating in it, much romance. Certainly there's love and marriage, but not much choosing, selecting or sudden enthusiasm that's the center of modern love. This mismatch is the center of the humor of the book. This dating culture is where we live, and most of us wouldn't like to wall ourselves off from the culture, so we have to do our best to be Christian and to be moral, but without being strict stinkers about it.


When you wrote this book, who did you have in mind as your target reading audience?

My main audience was single Christians who really like going to church, and who really love the experience of worship, and would like the love experienced and expressed at worship to come home from the church and fill a married home. But, this love seems to be locked up at church for them. They would like to meet someone but are a little frustrated by the fact that they're not meeting someone at church.

I tried to make the book's approach as broad as I could across denominations, but it is naturally going to resonate more with Christians who belong to sacramental, traditional churches simply because I write from my own experience, and I am Orthodox.

You've been married a few years now. Did any of the lessons learned in your courtship make it into the book?

Yes, there are an assortment of things not to do -- trying too hard to find someone by taking a romantic pilgrimage, which is when you start scouting churches a few counties away in hopes of finding someone eligible. As for my courtship time, I did write about a sneaky adventure involving a pair of wedding crowns I concocted in order to surprise my wife with a proposal. Also, I tried asking my potential future father-in-law for a blessing, but my potential future wife said, "No, it's too early." When dear old potential future father-in-law heard about this, he said, "Who wears the pants in this relationship??" He left me thinking that I'd need a blessing to NOT marry his daughter.



Where did you go for inspiration? Were any books influential? Did you get good advise from friends, family, or clergy?

I guess The Onion Dome (satirical on-line magazine for Orthodox Christians) was an early influence -- just the notion that wacky humor could be used in the context of church life inspired me. For the brief parts of the book that required touching on Serious Theology, I looked to books by Fr. Thomas Hopko, and to a taped lecture he gave, "God and Gender." Every time I wrote a chapter of my book and put it on the blog, I had my wife read it first. My readers included my father-in-law (a priest) and an assortment of priests and matushki who also read the blog, and every once in a while, they'd write me and let me know I'd made a joke that was too edgy.


A lot is said by priests today about the importance of marrying an Orthodox person. Sadly, the faithful don't seem to be taking this to heart. Having thought about the topic as you certainly have, what else should be done to foster an "equally yoked" union? What can priests, parents, parishes, and hierarchs do to help?

On a very practical level, the first thing that priests, parents, parishes and hierarchs can do to help is provide more community to Christian singles, who need to have an active peer group, both for encouragement in their faith and in finding someone to date and/or marry. If you marry someone who respects but doesn't participate in your religion, you'll end up putting your church life on a "religion shelf" where you leave it during the week but you can bring it out on Sundays and church holidays, which is challenging. But, for many young Christians, this "religion shelf" already exists in their lives -- with no one their own age to relate to, church becomes the prayer-and-worship place, and the rest of your life is a place where you try to be cool and popular on other people's terms.

Also, I would suggest that we re-emphasize our beliefs against pre-marital sex. If we can get our girls to consistently say "no," this will disperse most unchristian boyfriends for hormonal reasons.


Going back to an earlier answer you gave, I'd never heard of "romantic pilgrimages" before. I know more than a few men in local parishes that have found wives in Russia, but had never heard of what you've described. Would you tell me a little more?

"Romantic pilgrimage" is a comic term I invented for this book, and it refers to scouting distant parishes, looking for better talent at other churches' coffee hours. I did this several times, and was always detected as a poser, an embarrassing experience! The idea here is that you vaguely know a girl who lives some miles away, or you've heard of this girl, but you don't actually know her well enough for her to suggest you come and visit, so you suggest to yourself that you come and visit. You have to come up with some sort of explanation for your visit, and you say something like, "The choir here is really nice! Does the choir perform every Sunday? Wow, so does ours!"

It was a young gentleman who flew across the country, unannounced, and showed up on the doorstep of a friend of my wife's with a bouquet of flowers that inspired me to write "The Guide to Romantic Pilgrimages," an Onion Dome article that developed into a longer blog, and then the book. That was the beginning of this book.

Finding wives in Russia is a little different. This was a constant hazard for me in Ukraine when I lived there in the Peace Corps. There I had potential wives finding me, with odd results. I have a separate chapter on this topic called "Travel Lust."


Dating in America, especially as it's played out in colleges across the country, has parents eyeing potential spouses for their children from among the children in their church schools. There has to be some middle ground between parental fiat and the hook-up culture gone mad young adults are exposed to today. Can a happy medium be found?

A lot of parents are understandably afraid of hook-up culture and they want to get their children married as soon as possible to avoid the temptation of hook-ups, but I don't think Sunday-school arranged marriages are the best choice. If a young couple really does want to get married before college, and then go off to school together, I think that would be an excellent way to do it, but a little bit impractical as an expectation.

It's a little difficult for me to advise the parents of college-aged children as I am 31 and have no children, but here's what I can think of: We are called to minister to the culture that we're in, not to wall ourselves off from it. This applies to our children, too. Our children need to be there for friends who are enmeshed in the hook-up culture. The rest of us need to make it clear that this is a meaningful ministry for them.

I suppose a happy medium I can suggest is for parents to let go of their children, let them go to college, but continue to support social events and programs for Christians who are in college, increasing the number of good choices available for them. Following Christ is, after all, always a choice, regardless of how many good or bad restrictions are put upon us.


Will you be doing any book signings or other functions to get the word out about your book? This would seem to be an ideal topic for an interview on Ancient Faith Radio. I'm sure there are quite a few parents looking for just this book.

Yes, I will be doing an interview with Ancient Faith Radio next month. I am also trying to schedule events at youth conferences and places like that where I can speak. I miss teaching from my time in the Peace Corps, and I would just love to lead a group talk on Heaven Help the Single Christian. The book's been available a whole month, so the marketing efforts are just beginning.


Where should people go to get the book?

The best place to go to get a copy of the book is Regina Orthodox Press' web site. You can get just one, or a whole box for your bookstore or study group.

It's also available on amazon.com, and barnesandnoble.com.


Thanks for taking the time to answer some questions about your new book. It will certainly be a valuable and timely addition to Orthodox homes, parish bookstores, and libraries.

Hey, thanks for writing and putting this together!