Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Calvinist explains to wife predestined nature of his beard

Glenside, PA (Babylon Bee) – According to sources, local Calvinist Patrick Umstead and his wife Emma have argued over his beard since he began growing it out roughly 2 years ago.

“It’s gotten really big. It hides half his face,” Emma complained to reporters. “I understand the whole ’emulating Spurgeon’ thing, but I want him to shave it off for my sister’s wedding this summer, and he refuses.”

Sources close to the couple confirm that Patrick’s response has not changed.

“God sovereignly ordained this facial hair, honey,” he told his wife in between tokes of his pipe on the couple’s front porch. “How could it grow on my face had he not predestined it before the foundation of the world? I did not choose my beard; the beard chose me.”


  1. Did God sovereignly ordain him to smoke tobacco, also?

  2. Problem is such types are the ones who are likely to criticize the Orthodox for allowing alcohol or for veneration of Icons. Indeed, smoking used to be quite acceptable socially. Some ROCOR zealot back in the 80' s complained about the Canonization of the Russian Royal Martyrs on the grounds that Tsar Nicholas smoked! It is alleged that two Hierarch Saints who spent time in North America; St. Nicholai Velimirovic and Patriarch Tikhon smoked. I am not sure about them, but they were men of their time .

  3. Dear Catholic Crusader,

    Five hundred years ago in 1517, Martin Luther made public his 95 complaints against the Roman Catholic church (hereafter, RCC). Today, we shall do likewise, with another 95 reasons. However, in this critique, we will exclusively fixate on the nucleus of all Catholic doctrine called, Transubstantiation. This teaching is built on the premise that when the priest utters “This is my body” over bread and wine that the “combustible” syllables of these four words ignite with such power and energy that, unbeknownst to our cognizant senses, the substance of bread and wine miraculously change (“by the force of the words” says the Council of Trent; cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1375). They are then abruptly replaced with something else entirely; namely, the very body, blood, soul and divinity of the Lord Jesus Christ in some mysterious form which leaves only the outward appearance of bread and wine (i.e., the color, shape, size, taste, weight and texture -- or "accidental" properties, remain unchanged in objective reality). It is claimed that the supernatural power that creates this miracle on a daily basis, 24 hours a day in Masses worldwide, “is the same power of Almighty God that created the whole universe out of nothing at the beginning of time” (Mysterium Fidei, 47). The question is: does the sacred rhetoric of Jesus lead us to conclude He intended it be recited like a magician recites his incantations? (Reason 6, 74). That at the recitation of these four words, the world is obligated to be transfixed on Transubstantiation???

    We should think that a rollercoaster of 95 reasons against this doctrine should at least pique your curiosity, let alone make you wonder if, like the calmness of a ferris wheel, you can so calmly refute them. The issue is far from inconsequential, since it’s claimed our very eternal destinies are at stake. So while sensitive to the fact that many are captivated by this doctrine, we are persuaded that the theological framework of the Bible conveys a persistent and vigorous opposition to this theory. God's word tells us to, "study to show yourself approved" (2 Tim 2:15) and we have indeed done just that.

    The almost “romantic fidelity” to Transubstantiation springs forth from the opinion that consuming the “organic and substantial” body of Christ in the Eucharist is necessary for salvation (CCC 1129 & 1355; Trent, "Concerning Communion", ch. 1 and “Concerning Communion Under Both Kinds”, ch. 3; Canon 1; Mysterium Fidei, intro). Our burden here is to safeguard the gospel (Jude 1:3). If a religious system professing to be Christian is going to demand that something be done as a prerequisite for eternal life, it is vital to scrutinize this claim under the searchlight of Scripture and with “the mind of Christ” (1 Cor 2:16). Proverbs 25:2 says, "the honor of a king is to search out a matter". We shall do likewise.

    Determined to test all things by Holy Writ (1 Thess 5:21; Acts 17:11, 2 Cor 10:5), the following 95 reasons have been compiled to an extravagant length to provoke you to consider the cognitive complexities of this doctrine which we conclude are biblically unbearable. We are so convinced the Bible builds a concrete case against this superstition, that we will not allow the things we have in common to suppress the more urgent need to confront the differences that divide us, such as Transubstantiation. We are told this issue directly impacts our eternal destiny, so it must not be ignored. The Lord Jesus came to divide and conquer by the truth of His word. He said, "Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division" (Luke 12:51-53).

    For the full essay of 95 reasons, kindly e-mail me at

  4. First of all, this is an Orthodox site, not a heretical Papist site. But since you've come here, Mr.(or Ms.) Prod, try this quote on for size, "Therefore with fullest assurance, let us partake as if the Body and Blood of Christ: for in the figure of Bread is given to you His Body, and in the figure of Wine His Blood; that you, by partaking of the Body and Blood of Christ, might be made of the same body and the same blood with Him. For this we come to bear Christ in us...thus it is that, according to the blessed Peter, we become partakers of the divine nature(2 Pet.1:4). Christ on a certain occasion discoursing with the Jews said,'Unless you eat My flesh and drink My blood, you have no lived in you'(John 6:53)...Contemplate therefore the Bread and the Wine not as bare elements, for they are, according to the Lord's declaration, the Body and Blood of Christ..Let faith establish you." St. Cyril of Jerusalem; On the Eucharistic Food,3,6. B#43 p.o..60,61,68,69.

    It is sad that pride has destroyed the Western churches, here listen to St. Isaac the Syrian, Ascetical Homily 64,"In your prayer earnestly show the Lord your weakness and your unskillfulness before thevsubtlety of conceit, lest you be given up to be tempted in shameful things. For fornication follows upon pride; and upon conceit, delusion.

    Could this be why fornication is so rampant in our world today, that and other unnatural things which most people now view as normal?

  5. Boris Jojicj writes:

    "Problem is such types are the ones who are likely to criticize the Orthodox for allowing alcohol or for veneration of Icons".

    No, actually the hipster Calvinists fully embrace craft beer, Scotch whisky, and pipe smoking (and full beards) as expressions of their Christian Liberty ... but , yes, they would vehemently reject icons ... although oddly enough , many of them would allow for painted portraits or photographs of their "Church Fathers" -- Luther , Calvin, various Puritans, Jonathan Edwards, Charles Spurgeon (a big-time cigar enthusiast ) , to name a few --- to be displayed in the foyer (narthex) of their churches. They also are fine with this particular graven image - and will do a pilgrimage to visit it .