'I'd rather be a virgin martyr than marry you.'

TROUGHWOOD, New York (Onion Dome) - St. Vladyka's Press has released a new book, Dumped But Dispassionate: Orthodox Men Recovering From Rejection, a spiritual advice book on how to recover from the loss of being told to take a hike by lovely Orthodox women. The book encourages men to have unwavering faith in God, try to learn from the experience, and resist the urge to shout "IS OUTRAGE! I WANT TO BE ENGAGED!"

The book includes dumping diaries, in which men relate how, exactly, their sweeties gave them the boot. Here are some of the things they said:

"I'd rather be a virgin martyr than marry you."

"You and I together make as much sense as a Lenten cheesecake."

"Our relationship has me so depressed I'm inhaling incense."

"You said that you share my love of Orthodox music, but all you can sing is ninth tone."

"Go to the outer darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth!"

"Send me postcards from Athos."

"If you don't leave me alone, I'll make you like Origen. I've got an oyster shell and I'm not afraid to use it!"

"The way you look at me makes me want a full-body headscarf."

"I kissed you on February 14th because it was Forgiveness Sunday, not because I'm your Valentine. Get over it!"

"The lives of saints tell of Fools for Christ, but you're just a Fool for Everything."

"You'd be cute in a klobuk."

"I do love you, but it's just agape now."