Ford launchers "The Homeschooler" to capture fertile market

DEARBORN, MI (Babylon Bee) — In an attempt to corner the market on families that choose to homeschool their children, Ford Motor Company announced Monday its new upcoming line of 40-passenger vans.

Christened “The Homeschooler,” the flagship model seats 40 passengers and a driver, and includes fun entertainment for the kids, like Latin workbooks and classical Greek epic poems tucked right into the backs of the seats.

“We found that many homeschooling families were taking two or three of our twelve- or fifteen-passenger models to church,” a Ford representative said Monday. “This new model will allow the whole family to make the trip to homeschool co-op meetings, AWANA nights, and Sunday services all together in one vehicle.”

Options for the line of vans will include a pre-installed Chronicles of Narnia DVD playing on a continuous loop, a real-time ClearPlay system that replaces any foul language with a suitable alternative, and an in-floor storage system designed to stow up to eight strollers at once. Certain models will even come with safety features like alarms that begin blaring if a wayward child brings a soda on board the van, or if the system detects the presence of a kid who has been vaccinated.

According to Ford, all versions of the hot new line of homeschool-centered vans will ship with an “In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned” warning sticker on the bumper when 2018 models begin rolling out of the factory this fall.

Comments

  1. JakeJanuary 3, 2017 at 11:54 AM

    While I see the humor/self-depreciation in this, let's not forget that there is a deep arrogance and dismisiveness in the attitude that leads to it. While I did not vote for Trump myself (though I would have a 100 times over before voting for Hillary), it is EXACTLY the "spirit" behind this very attitude that led to his electoral victory.

    Besides, which one of us would not rather (blessedly) live in such a family than the one the majority in our culture is providing us with: A tiny hybrid that is covered in transgendering and queering unicorns and rainbows for the non-existent (aborted) children....

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sr. Vassa: There's no ontological impediment to priestesses

Image
Is the male-only priesthood a discipline or essential to the nature of being a priest? Sr. Vassa (again unflinchingly taking up a contentious topic by climbing up the ladder to the highest platform and then jumping into the deep end head first) dives right in and says there is no reason beyond personal preference to not have female clergy. You know, when people ask me about women in priesthood, they say, 'Sister, why can't women be priests?' And I say, 'Women CAN be priests. We don't WANT them to be priests.' Because you see, God can do anything, and the Church, by divine authority, uh, can do anything, but, the Church doesn't want to - and that's a legitimate reason. What I don't like is when we TRY to pretend that there are other reasons for this, because it's legitimate not to want something, and there are reasons not to want this - right? - but, we shouldn't pretent that there's some... reason, that, for example, the maleness...
Read more

Big news for the Western Rite, ROCOR, and Bp. Jerome

Image
NEW YORK: July 12, 2013 ( ROCOR ) - An Extraordinary Session of the Synod of Bishops is Held On Wednesday, July 10, 2013, an extraordinary session of the Synod of Bishops of the Russian Orthodox Church Outside of Russia was held, presided over by its First Hierarch, His Eminence Metropolitan Hilarion of Eastern America and New York. Participating in the meeting were permanent members of the Synod of Bishops: His Eminence Archbishop Mark of Berlin and Germany; His Eminence Archbishop Kyrill of San Francisco and Western America; His Eminence Archbishop Gabriel of Montreal and Canada, and His Grace Bishop Peter of Cleveland, Administrator of the Diocese of Chicago and Mid-America. Deliberating on the matter of Bishop Jerome of Manhattan, the Synod of Bishops made a decision as follows: “During a meeting of the Synod of Bishops on Wednesday, July 10, 2013, presided over by the First Hierarch of the Russian Church Abroad, A DECISION WAS MADE: on the activities of Bishop Jerome of Ma...
Read more

OCA takes strong stand for canonical Orthodoxy

( Orthochristian.com ) - The primate of the Orthodox Church in America, His Beatitude Metropolitan Tikhon of Washington and All America and Canada, will concelebrate with the primate of the canonical Ukrainian Orthodox Church, His Beatitude Metropolitan Onuphry of Kiev and All Ukraine, in western Ukraine later this week. The Ukrainian Orthodox Diocese of Chernivtsi and Bukovina “awaits the visit of the primate of the Orthodox Church in America on June 1–2, 2024. Solemn services will be held in the Cathedral of the Descent of the Holy Spirit in Chernivtsi, with the participation of both primates.” The Holy Synod of the Orthodox Church in America formally rejects communion with the schismatics of the “Orthodox Church in Ukraine,” recognizing only the canonical UOC under Met. Onuphry. The Ukrainian primate was the honored guest at the OCA’s 18th All-American Council in July 2015.
Read more