Sr. Vassa's words on gay teen dating continue to reverberate

Sister Vassa recently posted an advice piece to her Facebook page (the letter itself has been removed from Facebook and she is actively blocking people who comment on it). I post it below for those who didn't read it when it was available along with my own comments (which I'm sure will upset some readers). Let me say that her words drew immediate response from clergy and laity all over the world. Beyond the pitched battle of the left-leaning and traditionalists sides who might be looking for any arena to draw blood in regardless of the exact context or mitigating circumstances, there was widespread consternation about what was written and the sort of response that will necessarily follow from those with influence in her life (her bishop, her "zillions," ROCOR, AFR, etc.).

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*EMAIL OF THE WEEK: (from a mother, on MY SON IS HOMOSEXUAL).

Hi Sr. Vassa,Please let me first tell you how much your reflections mean to me. I enjoy getting your perspective on scripture each morning.

What I want to ask you about is a topic that is not discussed too often in my church - homosexuality. Recently, my 14-year-old son came out to my husband and I. This was not a surprise to us as we kind of saw this as a possibility and have discussed how we would handle it. We have been taking cautious steps in moving forward and making sure our son knows he has our unconditional support. This may not be the case as other extended family members/friends eventually find out but for now, in our home, we just want him to know he is ok and loved.This is where the faith thing gets tricky.

I was raised Byzantine Catholic and my husband and I have raised our children in the faith as well. My family has been very active in our parish. My son has been an altar server since he was 7. I am not sure where a gay person fits into our particular faith community. What happens as he gets older and possibly wants to date? I have not talked to my parish priest yet. He is older and although he is a wonderful person, whom I admire greatly, I am not comfortable revealing this information about my son.

I am filled with so many questions. I want to do what is best for my child and have realized this may involve finding a faith community that would be more accepting of my son.

Any insight you can provide would be so valuable to me as we move forward.

Thank you. N.

SISTER VASSA’S RESPONSE:

Dear N.,

Thanks for writing. I can't reply to your question officially, but will reply to it personally. Because my personal opinion is not in line with some official pronouncements of my Church. Can someone point to me where is has ever been fruitful or healthful to say "The Church says this..." and then follow up with "But I say this..."? I'm at a loss to think of one.  So please just accept it as my personal opinion, no more and no less than that.

I applaud your approach of standing by your son in “unconditional” love. I think that we are called to accept one another as we are, regardless of the fact that all of us, in one way or another, do not perfectly live up to the scriptural ideals set out for us, particularly in the whole area of sex. Now it is true that we are, as parents or other representatives of authority, called to do what we can to guide others in the right direction, that is, toward God. But there are things that we cannot change in our children, like the God-given gift, and cross, of sexuality. It is always both a gift and a cross, because it forms a part of our “vocation” or calling, that is to say, the specific way in which each of us is called to serve and connect with others and ourselves, on the cross-carrying journey. But, like any cross, sexuality is always, regardless of sexual orientation, a rather messy business. It’s always awkward and messy, to a greater or lesser degree, as any normal adolescent discovers when first confronted with it. We don’t talk about it much, but the realities of stuff like masturbation and glimpses (whether occasional or regular) at pornography in one’s early teens (especially today in our Internet Age), and approaching girls/boys to ask them out for the first time, etc., are a kind of mild trauma that few of us have been spared. So, my point is, most of us have “crossed the line” in the whole area of sex, in one way or another, and that’s part of our human journey toward God. I think it is helpful for us to remember that we, as parents, do not guide our children as ones perfect in the whole area of sex. We guide them as humbled veterans, if you will, of a war we also haven’t perfectly fought or “won.”

But here’s the thing about homosexuality. And please read this to the end, if you could. I must say, and cannot say otherwise, that actively living it out is a sin. It’s a no-no. But so are many other things, which we tolerate in ourselves as “only human.” Like, our consistent disregard for God’s word, which is worse than the sins of “Sodom and Gomorrah,“ as our Lord points out in Matthew 10: 14: “…And if any one will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet as you leave that house or town. Truly, I say to you, it shall be more tolerable (ἀνεκτότερον) on the day of judgment for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah than for that town.” (Mt 10: 14-15)

And here’s the other thing about homosexuality. We do know today, according to reliable scientific studies, that this sexual orientation is formed in most (not all) cases, by the early age of 3-4. Importantly, it is before the “age of reason,” which is traditionally considered the age of 7, so it is not a “choice.” You mention that you knew this about your son well before he came out to you now, at the age of 14. I have heard this from several mothers of homosexual children, including one wife of an Orthodox priest, that they “knew” it from their child’s early childhood.

Hence we come to the question of “culpability” for this state of affairs, in one’s gift-and-cross of (homo)sexuality. We can and do separate the question of “culpability” for the sin, and the sin itself, - so let me point out that God must also. In most cases, homosexuality is not one’s own choice. So, “crossing the line” in this area, and not committing to total celibacy, as one “must” do according to traditional, scriptural law, is “more tolerable” in God’s eyes (as Christ says in the above-quoted passage), than our other kinds of trespasses. Among our “other” trespasses let me mention heterosexual adultery, masturbation, premarital sex, and just “looking lustfully at a woman” (Mt 5: 28), - all “sins,” although we tend to “live and let live” with them, as they are only human. I have never "live and let live[d]" any of these issues with penitents in confession nor would I treat such actions as everyday problems for my children (spiritual or earthly). She sees a double standard where I see an attempt to modulate homosexual acts to the area of "lesser" sins. But we have a double standard when it comes to homosexual “sins,” for the plain reason, I think, that most of us feel free-and-clean of this particular thing.

So what am I saying practically, about what you should do when your son “wants to date”? I think you won’t be able to change the fact that he will “date,” unless he wants to commit himself to celibacy. But I am going to go ahead and presume he doesn’t want to, and isn’t going to, do that, since he’s “come out” to you, and I don’t think you can change that in him, at age 14. So I would say, let him “date” in the daylight, with your knowledge, so he’s not chased into some kind of underground, of illicit hook-ups in certain kinds of pubs or bars. You aren’t “encouraging” him by saying, bring the guy here. Just like other parents, of heterosexual children, say, bring that girl (even the one of whom we disapprove) home, so we can meet her, aren’t saying, go ahead and do whatever you want. But what you are doing is bringing your child’s relationship into the daylight of your home, where your love, values, and mutual commitment, as family, can lend stability and light to your child’s behaviour in his/her relationships. What in God's name is this woman thinking? This is the same sort of logic that says we must give our children condoms because "they're going to do it anyway." Dating is a prelude to marriage. What is this gay "dating" a prelude to? What sort of parent doesn't exert their authority on the relationships their child has with other children? My teenagers don't date for the simple reason that they aren't ready to get married. This advice is an egregious misstep that sends the wrong signals to a child (whether he be heterosexual or homosexual) and cedes the authority of a parent that they shouldn't be frittering away. You know, the whole gay-culture of previous decades led many homosexuals (as I know from a dear Roman-Catholic gay friend aged 60 at this point) to get into irresponsible sexual encounters, inspired by the whole aura of illicitness, in hook-ups in public bathrooms and that sort of thing. Again, bringing things out into the open is not going to always be the better options. I remember from high school the parents who let their kids and their friends drink in their basements at parties they hosted because they thought "My kids are going to drink anyway, so why not do it in a safe place where I can keep an eye on things?" I don't think the kids got any less drunk or made any better decisions. They just learned what alcohol they liked or got them drunk most quickly, that bad behavior could also come with a place with a good speaker system and free booze, and that the merits of not drinking underage were "just your opinion, man."

As far as your other practical question goes, of finding a faith-community for your son, I think he has two choices: 1. He can “suck it up” in your present community, like the woman wearing a scarlet letter. It’s not the worst thing in the world, because I can tell you from personal experience that it is liberating in many ways, to be the odd man out and OK with that, even if (and this might shock you) you are denied Holy Communion. (I am not homosexual, but I have been “the odd man out” in other ways). Your son’s humble presence in your parish could benefit both him and others, in unexpected ways. Just like the story of Mary of Egypt has been beneficial to all of us, even though she had no Holy Communion for over 40 years. The obvious difference being that she abandoned her sinful ways and lived a life of total repentance and extreme askesis in rags with her skin permanently burned so that today we weep for her sins and her eventual salvation through God's great mercy. The other choice is 2. Find a parish that is acceptive of your son’s particular gift-and-cross. There are parishes like that, here and there, but I don’t know where you live and whether you have one nearby. Frankly I find the first option the better one, as shocking and insensitive as that may sound. But here’s what I would NOT suggest: to leave the Church. Our church is our family, and as a family, we are called to learn from one another, to love one another, and, as a result, to suffer to a certain degree, from one another, that we may grow. I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but I don’t believe in jumping ship when it comes to church-belonging. I think we don’t grow that way, I mean by jumping ship, but rather stunt or (best-case scenario) delay our growth.

Please forgive me if this wasn’t helpful, but it’s all I’ve got. Love to you and your family from all of us in Vienna,

SV